Why I Didn’t Cry

imageToday I saw excited little learners make their way through the school doors. For some it was their first First Day, for others, it was a day to see some old friends in a new classroom.

I noticed refreshed teachers, full of smiles, welcoming the kiddos and ready to hear tales of summer fun!

I couldn’t help but notice the brave faces of some of the Mommas. They were trying so hard not to cry in front of the ones they cherish.

You want them to grow and learn and explore and love life, but a part of you wants to snuggle up on the couch and watch another Shaun the Sheep or go to the park or story time at the library.

I can’t believe 2 of mine started 1st grade and my littlest started kindergarten today. It’s unreal.

I remember as if it were yesterday the exact moment I first saw them, held them, kissed them, and promised to love them forever!

I cried lots of tears last year and always thought I would be even worse when this day came. But I wasn’t.

I thought about this a lot today and realized why, for me, there were no tears today.

Over the last 4 years since Charlie was first diagnosed with a rare cancer, I have learned so much from her.

That first week in the hospital while they were frantically trying to find a diagnosis, they poked and prodded her daily.
I wanted to yell at someone and sit on the floor and cry, but she would give the nurses a smile, even say thank you and then want to play.

I took my cues from her.

The first day of chemo, I was so worried about her port placement surgery and thinking she would be scared. She went right to the nurse and waved to me over her shoulder as they took her to surgery. She was telling me it was ok. I walked to the waiting room, grabbed a coffee and settled in.

I took my cues from her.

There were many many nights after she had drifted off to sleep, I would cry. Not just a few tears, but the ones where your chest hurts. I saw this beautiful girl so full of love and like and kindness and I wanted to take all the pain and struggles from her.
Then she would wake with a big smile, a “good morning Mommy”, and be ready to face the day! I hugged her close and peace settled in.

I took my cues from her.

Over the next 3 years, through countless tests, scans, port access, fevers, hospitalizations, 3 chemos, steroids, distressed liver, blot clot, relapse and shots for a year, this girl shined!

She beat the odds.

She laughed when most would cry.

She beat up cancer. (Her words!) 🙂

Today when Charlie boldly walked into school on her first day of kindergarten, she was beaming from ear to ear.

I insisted on at least walking her to her class.

So…for a day I had long anticipated to be filled with tears and separation anxiety, there could only be a big smile on my face as she waved goodbye over her shoulder and I left her class room.

I walked down the hall thinking…..we made it baby girl. I pulled out my keys, put my sunglasses on and not a tear was shed.

Once again….I took my cues from her.

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