I have been sitting here thinking about God’s love for us. For me. For my family. For my girls. For my friends. For sick babies. For lonely people. For widows. For the unwanted. For the shameful. For the grateful.

The past few weeks I have given much thought about the values I want my girls to grow up with. I want them really love people, but in order to do that, they need to know they are genuinely and unconditionally loved by us as their parents, but more importantly realize the love of their Heavenly Father.

That’s a tough order. With 3 toddlers, all 3 and under, all-girl, and all-drama, I can assure you there are many days we are just making it through the day!  I gave my oldest pizza for breakfast last week, I let my middle child watch way to many repeat episodes of Curious George, I spoil our baby girl on a daily basis. I get frustrated and impatient too much it seems.

But there is that old saying….”It takes a village to raise a child”. Today, I witnessed that saying. I have been attending a MOPS group near my house for the past few weeks. Today, we had a wonderful speaker talking about sibling relationships…great stuff! Afterwards, when picking up my kiddos from their respective classes, Dakota (our 3 and half year old) needed to make a trip to the little girls room. I almost didn’t take her…she likes to check out all the bathrooms in public places (mostly the mirrors and soap) so I thought it was just one of her cute little manipulations. I am so glad I took her!

As we walked down the hallway, all of a sudden she got the biggest, most radiant smile I have seen in a long time. She stretched her little arms out as far as she could and at the top of her very strong lungs yelled “GOD LOVES ME!!!! JESUS HUGS ME!!!” She was absolutely giddy. I was absolutely choked up.

Thank you to whoever taught her that. Maybe it wasn’t even said…but it was shown.

As I sat here thinking of how great His love is for us, an old hymn came on…Mercy Me singing…”The Love of God is greater far than tongue or pen could ever tell….”, then another “How Deep the Father’s Love….”   I then thought of several people that had crossed my mind today.

The sweet little girl who lost her battle today with cancer….my friend wrote that she went into the arms of Jesus.
“God loves me. Jesus hugs me.”

A playmate that gets left out and tries so hard to just fit in.
“God loves me. Jesus hugs me.”

A friend who has had way too many losses and hardships recently.
“God loves me. Jesus hugs me.”

The many, many lonely kids who will go to sleep without a kind word or goodnight hug. They are waiting for someone to love them…call them family.
“God loves me. Jesus hugs me.”

Scriptures declare God loves…timeless lyrics have been written that beautifully convey that love, but today I saw it in a squealing, excited, bright-eyed, fiesty little girl who had been hugged by Jesus and wasn’t afraid to let the whole world know it!

I am learning that as a parent that some of lifes greatest lessons are not ones I will teach my children, but ones they will teach me.

Psalm 8:2 From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise…….

I realized from that day forward that I was not going to beg God to take this all away and make life perfect. I was going to let Him “finish it’s work”. I want my girls to know that when tough times come their way, it’s only because God loves them enough to allow it.
This morning at church, the pastor spoke about this very topic. Being Marked with Joy. People often use the phrase “I was given a bad deck of cards.” I liked what the pastor said. In God’s eyes, there are no good cards, or bad cards, there are just cards. He uses every one of them for His ulitmate plan.
Last year, we thought we were given some bad cards. But guess what….they were just cards. We wouldn’t trade this past year for anything. We have met some incredible people along the way. I never knew that heroes are sometimes 5 year old kids in the fight of their life coming up to play with my toddler in a busy waiting room. I never knew that a close friend could be someone you have never met in person. I never knew I could learn lessons for life from my little girl who can not yet even say her ABC’s.
My prayer for you is that if you are in one of those moments in life in which you want it to all just go away, that you will read James 1:2-4. Let the words wrap themselves around your heart. May you consider these times pure Joy.

Last night we got home from a 4 day retreat for families facing pediatric cancer. I knew it sounded good when I first read about it, but I had no idea that “good” wouldn’t even begin to describe it!
As most of you know, we have had a lot of changes in the past few years. We became pastors of a church 5 years ago, I quit my profession of 22 years 3 years ago, and a few months later, we became parents for the first time through foster care. A year ago this month, adoptions were final on our 3 baby girls, and 2 months later began the journey we are now on with Charlie’s LCH. 

Charlie just completed 13 weeks of chemo and we were given the ok to go to maintenance which is chemo every 3 weeks, with a daily chemo pill added. About this same time, we made the decision to resign from our church.  Transitions are usually bittersweet, as is this one.

Needless to say, we have a lot of major life changes going on! So, when we pulled in to the resort Thursday night, we were hoping for a few days of a change of scenery, maybe meet some new people, and let our girls just have fun. We did not expect to be greeted by a sweet teenager with a smile, whose first words to us were “Are you the McCoy’s? YAY, the McCoy’s are here!” I thought I recognized her, and then realized it was from a video in which she had talked about how much Blue Skies had meant to their family as her 3 year old sister fights cancer.  She was at this retreat as a volunteer. That was my first clue as to the heart behind this ministry.

We were soon introduced to our host family. I didn’t even know we would have a host family! Jennifer and her precious daughter Waverly showed us to our beautiful “room”.  It reminded me of a penthouse apartment. There were several people that just appeared from everywhere, helping to unload the van, get us settled, blow up mattresses, give us welcome gifts, hand us a gift card to Piggly Wiggly for breakfast food, offer to go the store for us, etc. I was told that our laundry would be done each day, and they would clean up for us. Ok, so I was getting a little choked up by now.  Ummm…wow.

The next morning, we made our way down to the beach for morning devotions that had already started. I saw another familiar face, a smile, and a wave, as Dixie motioned for us to sit on her blanket.  Dixie is mom to precious Bayleigh, who is still in treatment. Dixie was at this retreat to serve. Wow again, and more tears. There were already people getting up to go run after the girls so we could sit and just breath. Listen. Breath. Relax. Bask in the peacefulness of the sound of the ocean, God’s word, and His presence.

After that, a bunch of other kind souls took our girls for the rest of the morning, to play in the pool and playground while we went to our first Kindred Journeys. What a perfect name for this group. While the 11 other families there all have different stories from each other, we all have a common bond of facing childhood cancer or life threatening illness. We heard the painful stories of diagnosis, the shock, the loneliness, the treatments, the chemo, the isolation, the relapse, the weariness, the faith, the loss of faith, the fight, the resilience, and most of all the perspective of what is really important in life.

We shared stories, our hearts, and tears, and were led by Pastor Brad and his wife Amanda who also had been in the seat that we all sat in that morning. By the time our session was over, and it was time to head to lunch, I had already begun to relax. Jennifer had told me that while we went to lunch , she would bring our girls up to the room and put them down for a nap. Ok, now I am thinking….. how I can get her to come home with us???!!

After a wonderful seafood lunch waterfront, we made our way back to walk into a clean condo, humming from the dryer, and our babies all asleep on the bed. We were told on the way back that our host family is known as “The Baby Whisperers”. Indeed!!

We ended the day with steak dinners by the pool, games, and chocolate shakes, and thoughtful little gifts and notes left in our room for the girls, by our host family. Sigh…..

The next 2 days were just as amazing. We felt like we were and instant family with the other guests and volunteers.

We learned that it’s ok to cry in front of 20 other adults. It’s ok to say what we really want to say but have been storing away in our heart…some for months, some for years. It’s ok to let our kids run wild in the rain.

We learned that “God has your back, even when you don’t feel Him.” We learned that one of the most beautiful things is when a girl who has lost her sight to a brain tumor stands and dances without abandon to the crowd singing “I’ll Fly Away”. 

We learned to not say goodbye, but instead “see you later”. To all those who made it possible for our family to be on the receiving end of this retreat, we cannot thank you enough. Charlie is doing great, and her, Dakota and Addison had a ball! Our hearts are so full.  You were the hands and feet of Jesus. To our new friends, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, on this journey with us, you are in our thoughts and prayers!

To all of the brave kids that are still in this fight, you are our heroes. We loved laughing with you, hugging you, walking on the beach and getting to know you. You are loved by so many people. Nothin’ but blue skies from now on, sweet ones……:-)

Charlie was the brave little princess as usual. She barely flinched when they accessed her port. Her counts were good, so she had her Vinblastine and we were on our way.

I spoke with Dr. Watts about us moving and found out that the process of changing hospitals was MUCH easier than I had thought. I smiled inside as I scolded myself once again. Why do I worry so much about things when 99.9% of the time it proves to be unwarranted? He then said that we were free to take a little extension and come back in 5 weeks instead of 3. This is allowing us to enjoy some much needed rest and rejuvenation with family.

Everett flew to India a few days ago. Yes, India…not Indiana. This is his 18th trip and I am so glad he had the opportunity to go. God has a way of working things out just in time. In HIS time. I am spending time with my brother and his family in Northern Virginia while Everett is away. It’s been so nice to be with family and old friends from when we lived here. It just so happened the church we used to attend here was having a women’s conference called Quench this week. The theme was “It’s Time To Dance”. It was basically about dancing in the midst of trials and storms of life. So very fitting for what we have been through as of late.

They asked if I would tell Charlie’s story and then sing. I was so grateful to have the opportunity to share about her journey with LCH. I found myself talking more about what we have dealt with and how we get through, than actually explaining the disease itself. I think for those of you who have a child who fights each day against cancer and life threatening illness, or perhaps it is you that is in the fight of your life, “dealing” with it is the hardest part.

I read posts daily from people who have lost hope, are angry at the disease, and just wish they had the old “normal” back. A song that has been a favorite for years is This Too Shall Pass by Yolanda Adams. During the early days of Charlie’s diagnosis, I listened to it over and over to flood my mind with fact when my emotions wanted to run wild with all of the “what it’s?”.  Today, I sang that song after sharing her journey so far.

Afterwards, several people talked with me about what they were going through, and Charlie’s story had encouraged them…given them hope.

Charlie baby, thank you for being to trusting in the Arms of your Heavenly Father, and showing the world what faith is. You lifted the load of people whom you may never meet. One day you will tell your story. I have a feeling God has incredible things in your future. You planted seeds of hope today in hearts watered with tears. God is amazing…never forget that! As mama was telling your story upstairs, you were placing your tiny hand on a paper that had one of your life scriptures on it. “I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made”. Psalm 139:14

To anyone reading this who feels like giving up, or thinks the situation you are in will never end, or there is no solution, please remember. YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made. The same God you made you, will sustain you.

In just a few weeks, we will load up the last box, glance around the house a last time, pull out of our driveway with Veggie Tales playing instead of Jazz, and head off into our future.

As I listen to the rain softly falling, it just reminded me of our early days here. The first weekend we came to visit, it rained. (I LOVE rain!) A few weeks later, driving around looking for apartments…it rained. The first day we looked at our house together, it was raining. I remember thinking God was giving me rain on special days just because He knew how much I liked it.

I remember pulling into town after driving from Arizona with just a U-Haul trailer behind us. It was a chilly January night, and we backed down into a steep (for this northern girl) driveway, and were warmly welcomed into the house of two people we had barely known. I remember being introduced to cornbread without sugar, Full Moon BBQ, O’Carr’s, “meat and three’s”, and Milo’s…the sweetest tea ever!

I remember having casual Sunday afternoon dinners with friends that would last for hours. I remember sitting in Friday night traffic headed out on 280 to have fajitas at Superior Grill.

 I remember at my job interview, the whole staff met me in the conference room and all went around and introduced themselves. Then I had to tell a bit about myself, but was not prepared for their next question:  ”So, are you for Alabama or Auburn”?  I ended up saying that I would be for whoever bought me a sweatshirt first.  Roll Tide!!

I remember hearing about how beautiful the Alabama and Florida panhandle beaches were. Nothing could have prepared me for Rosemary Beach. I have no desire for Cancun, Hawaii, or anywhere else….Rosemary Beach is the “happy place” I go to in my mind, even though I almost ruined a half gallon of perfectly smooth frozen vanilla yogurt one night! (Long story!)

I remember the hearing “Sweet Home Alabama” sung at women’s conference, and watched in amazement as the group of 10,000 women almost had revival right there in the BJCC!  The band had laughed and said afterwards that if they knew this is what it would have taken to get all the women to their feet, they would have sang it earlier in the worship service!

I remember being delighted at the new people that started to come to church. Our church family was growing. I remember crying with a mom who had to lay her little newborn baby girl to rest. I remember Everett delivering one of the best eulogy’s I have ever heard at her memorial service.

I remember making the decision to quit work so that we could pursue our lifelong dream of becoming foster and/or adoptive parents. I remember my heart pounding when I received the first call that a baby needed a  temporary home. I remember taking her back to her mom after a week, and walking out with my arms empty, but my heart so full.

I remember the hugs from new friends. I remember using text messaging for the first time. I remember running my first 5K. I remember watching my dear friend say goodbye to her beloved. I remember sobbing into my pillow  and talking to God that night.

I remember sitting in Panera at Patton Creek and getting a call about a 5 month old baby named Dakota. I remember falling in love with her from the moment she looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes. I remember 6 weeks later, getting another call about a newborn baby girl…just 3 days old…I remember telling the social worker yes, and precious Addison won our hearts! And then another 7 months down the road, I remember sweet Charlie being placed in my arms at 2 weeks old. I remember thinking….wow….it may be months before I sleep through the night again!!!!!!

I remember God sending people into my life that would drop their plans and schedule to step in and help out with the other babies when Addison was hospitalized for RSV. I remember making it through RSV and getting released to go home, only to have her fall out of the hospital crib, right onto her head! Thankfully, she was just fine, although I needed to be sedated at that point.

I remember missing my family so much I would cry myself to sleep. I would long for just a trip to Wal-mart with my Mom. I remember how glad I was to discover Facebook and be able to send pictures, and communicate at a new level with family and friends. I remember loading up all 3 babies and driving…yes driving, all the way to Arizona to spend our first Christmas in five years with family.

I remember a couple of months later, at a follow-up appointment while feeding Charlie apple juice and cheez-its, I heard the initials ‘LCH” for the first time. I remember texting my husband and numbly pushing her stroller to the next clinic down the hall to meet with the head of oncology. I remember words like chemo, biopsy, bone marrow aspirate, rare, port, relapse. I remember crying while walking out of the hospital. I remember holding her really tight before I put her back in her carseat for the drive home.

I remember our church family who came together for us in prayer. I remember meeting some of the kindest, most generous hearts that were also connected with childhood cancer and disease. I remember rejoicing although she was hospitalized again, that after 6 weeks, her new scans looked much better!

I remember a few weeks ago knowing in my heart that it was time to close a chapter of our lives here. I remember the feeling that was so bittersweet. There are some sweet souls who have sustained me. I will miss your gentle nature, your giving hearts, your selflessness, our coffee time, Mocha Frappes, prayer time, breakfasts, Bo-berry biscuits, Edgar’s cupcakes, and lunches. My girls will miss your hugs. I will miss your friendship. I will miss worshipping with you each week.

As I sit here and the house is so quiet…just the falling rain and some classical music, I can’t help but think that God gave me this night too that will be one of those times that “I remember…”. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to keep as a remembrance in my heart. I have so much to tell my girls as they grow up about this beautiful place of hills, tall pine trees, rivers, red dirt, and crape myrtles. This place we now call home. This place where we became a family of five.  This place that has some of the kindest people I know. This place that I will always remember…..and will “smile because it happened”.

Dr. Watts had ordered a chest x-ray today, just to see how she is doing. I was dreading this because it took 3 people to hold her down for it last time. She actually layed on the x-ray table and immediately put her hands over her head! The only other time she puts her hands over her head is to say “Hooray” or “Hallelujah”! About 1 minute later, we were done!

Dr. Watts met with us later and said that instead of going to the maintenance protocol in 2 weeks, we would most likely be repeating the initial phase of 6 weekly chemo treatments again, just because of her lung involvement, and other organs. He then said 4 beautiful words in regards to her chest x-ray today…..”It cleared up some”! That was music to my ears. The lungs are one of the slowest organs to show healing!

God, You amaze me! I thank You for guiding the doctors, the researchers, the nurses, the lab techs. I thank you for placing this passion on their hearts. I thank You for Your Word that declares Charlie’s healing. Thank You for using a sweet 18 month old angel to bring smiles to so many sad faces at the hospital today.

Thinking back to Charlie’s x-ray, I think she knew…. it was her first “Look at me, Momma!” Hooray!! Hallelujah!!

Would you know the second night we were there, her own two sisters were up all night vomiting and with fevers!!!! Charlie slept through it all, never got sick, and when we got home and had her fourth treatment on Monday, all of her counts were good!! Thank you Jesus, for your Hand of protection!

Dr. Watts said he wants Charlie to have a chest x-ray this Monday, “just to see where we are”. I am hoping, praying and believing that “where we are” is the at the beginning of many “Miracle Mondays” to come!

I have been unusually anxious (not directly about Charlie) lately, and I am refusing to allow discouragement take up residence here. I read a womens devotional yesterday, which happened to be on the topic of becoming who God wants you to be. We often get lost in doing for others and pleasing everyone else, we forget to ask God who HE wants us to be. He had a plan in mind when He made each one of us. For me…I always wanted to be a mom. I am thanking God today for the opportunity to be mommy to 3 fabulous little girls!

The scripture that went with yesterdays devotion was…”I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14

This is the scripture that I had written in colorful magic marker and stickers and hung on the wall at the end of Charlie’s bed while she was in the hospital. What a great reminder that He has it all in control.

Sweet Charlie, you were WONDERFULLY made!!!!

Thank you to all of you who have prayed, supported, cried with us, sent cards, made phone calls, and given hugs. We love you all!

Charlie had her second chemo treatment last Monday, and she did great! We recieved a bit of bad news at the visit. The results from her biopsy the week before showed that she also has LCH in her bone marrow. We are to continue with the treatments as the protocol recommends, and at the 6 week mark, will repeat all scans and another bone marrow biopsy. At that point, if changes need to be made, we will find out then.

This news had the potential to freak me out a bit, but a heart to heart with my patient husband helped me out. Bottom line. We knew Charlie needed a miracle. She still does. That hasn’t change. There is no need to worry. It does nothing to solve, heal, restore, or uplift. So we pray…and we follow the doctors advice…and we wait for our miracle.

Charlie is doing great with her treatments! She had her third one today. Blood counts are good! The only side affect we notice is she is cranky and strong willed. We were told its the Prednisone. Thank you Prednisone, for making my sweeter than icing little girl into pickle juice! It’s not really that bad, but today at clinic, she was throwing pacifiers, sippy cups, and slapped the nurses hand when she was doing vitals. Oh, my dear Charlie….this will get better, I promise!

After her treatment, we went for Chinese food, and her fortune cookie read “Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.”

How fitting. For my fellow Alabamians suffering from the recent storms…keep your chin up. Our precious baby girl Charlie….keep your chin up. We love you and you are the bravest fighter I know!

As you know, we have had a 2 week breather so to speak in tests, treatments, pokes and prodding. We have been lifting Charlie in prayer continually. We have been praying scripture over her, and teaching our girls to pray, to quote scriptures, and to simply trust. Simply trust.

We are scheduled to have scans repeated on her head and chest on Monday, and possibly start as soon as next week. That is what our logic told us to do. That is what the doctors who have dedicated their lives to saving the lives of little children, have told us to do.  So, with our minds….we scheduled. With our hearts…we simply trust.

So, tonight just after giving Charlie her bath, I was getting her dressed and she was being her silly self. Laughing, giggling, and being squirmy as usual. In the middle of one of her biggest laughs, I saw a lesion on her top right gum. (One of the telltale signs of LCH). At first, I thought it was something in her mouth….then we played the “say ahhhh” game, and I was silently punched in the gut. I am guessing some angels were dispatched immediately as they saw my shoulders droop, and ever so gently they took hold of my elbows and began the task of lifting my arms until the strength had been renewed.

I immediately sent word to Everett, who was not here at the time, and then we were able to talk and lift each other’s faith and spirits. I am so thankful for a husband who loves his family and his God so passionately. No, we don’t have answers. Yes, we are hurting. But, this one thing we are assured of. God will get, and IS getting the glory, even now! We may be on a rickety boat on a stormy ocean wave, but we have a calm, just knowing that the God who created Charlie, has His hands on the oars. Ephesians 3:20 says “Glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope”. We have dared to ask. We have hoped. And we give Glory to God!

The past couple of weeks have brought me in contact with many wonderful people who are parents, friends, etc…to a child with LCH. It has been such a blessing to talk with these moms, and friends, and draw strength and support from them. I want to share with you what a new friend (as of yesterday) :-) had shared with me tonight. It is the passage from Psalm 91. Such a beautiful passage, and one I have heard many, many times, but tonight every word had a new significance. It was as if God was writing this on my heart. A portion of it says this:

“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
Will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
He is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
And protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”

So, tonight I have the promise of safety. He is not only my (and Charlie’s) armor and protection, He has decided to cover us. Not with stones, wood, heavy wool blankets, or a scratchy tarp, but He has chosen feathers. It’s like He is tucking us in…pulling that fluffy feather comforter of His love right up around our chin, wrapping it under us, and whispering….”I have you covered. Do you see those wings above? They are mine. That is your shelter. You have trusted me. And I delight in that. Sleep well, little one….”.

Please keep us in your prayers. We feel each and every one of them and are so grateful for the outpouring of love and support. Love to you all tonight.

 Psalm 111:3 “Everything He does reveals His glory and majesty…”